In the rememberance of God, heart will find rest. (13:28)


Thoughts that exist only in the mind are the worst, because you have absolutely no idea how to convert these abstract depictions to something comprehensible by others. You see them floating around in there trying to break out but you don’t quite know how to do it. Even though the mind always has something to say, it doesn’t always show you how to say it - like something locked inside a safe box and you don’t know the right combination to open the door. Do you ever feel upset of the fact that there are people who are able to write and speak and breathe so coherently and flawlessly and they manage to do it almost every time but the only thing you can do is contain thoughts every now and then?

Perhaps one day, I will learn how to write again. Perhaps, I’ve never really learned how to write at all. Or perhaps, it doesn’t matter what gets written and what stays inside. The significance of being is rarely acknowledged, but I am content.

Because I love your words now and then.

Mudah sekali,

Mudah sekali,
Tertipu dengan keindahan duniawi, Hingga lupa bahawa diri ini akhirnya akan mati,
Akan menemui pencipta abadi.

Mudah sekali,
Lupa diri bahawa setiap perbuatan walau sekecil zarah akan dipersoalkan di akhirat kelak nanti,
Lupa diri hingga menggadaikan kehidupan nan abadi untuk kepentingan peribadi.

Duhai diri, mudah sekali.

At last I know what to do,

Of course it is  fitrah for you to like someone. But it somehow bothering me when I’m supposed to focus on my study but suddenly you come across my mind and it distrub me so much. How cunning syaitan are /sigh/. Been struggle to let go of myself from the thoughts, it was so hard. But yesterday I came to a program at shah alam, the tittle was inspirasi Ahmad Ammar, and trust me- Ahmad Ammar is such an inspiration.

“What I told Ammar was by the age of 25 he must get married. By hook or by crook, Ammar must get married. Abah and emak will make sure of that. So before that, you don’t have to think abut marriage.” (Tuan Azam)

What inspired me the most is how obidient Ammar towards his father’s words and look deeper to that sentences. How he really know what he has to do and achieve; and he focus with it. He’s clear with his intention and amanah with his responsibility.
Jelas dengan matlamat. When you know that ummah is your priority and syurga is you final destination, not only know but believe with that and make effort to make it real, it feels deep.

Wawasan ummatik huh? InsyaAllah.

And how certain guys told girls they like them and suruh tunggu diorang, but to me kalau suruh tunggu no im not gonna do that. I’m sorry but that’s my answer. Why you have to risk yourself to something that you can’t even gurantee? Be a man, make effort to be a better person, and take her hands for marriage. It’s the best solution to me. Why you have to risk both of you to syaitan? Syaitan sangatlah licik tambah lagi bila perkara-perkara macam ni. 

Hati-hati dengan hati. Jangan sampai tertipu dengan diri sendiri.

Post ni adalah peringatan untuk diri semata-mata.

As it can,

As it can come quietly, let’s be patient that it will leave quietly too. Just- it need quite some time to leave. Lets be patience until then.

Let go,

I’ve been pushed by my mom to clean my rooms after I went back home for good since last Tuesday. It’s quite tiring tbh because I never realize that I have so many things that I kept under my bed.

I can’t believe that I still keep all my upper form notes and exam papers like seriously, they’re a lot. Bundles of paper that I never remember I wrote on top of those sheets. I still keep some of my form 3 notes and exam papers. Form 3. Which means uhm- basically 4 years ago. And what’s more shocking, I still keep my standard 6 notes. Oh pathetic me, why did i still keep these things? When I went through one box to one box, I found my prefect uniform. I got so much memories with that uniform. A responsibility that changed my life.
It was so hard to be honest to let go of certain things that I found memorable (they’re not that memorable tbh its just some random notes idk why I havent throw them to kitar semula) but what mom told me this evening, really struck me by heart.

“Are you still going to keep that? Up to you then. Why you want to look back and remember the past all the time when you have your present to focus on rather on the past?” It struck me by heart the most. Why is it so hard for me to let go of things? Even a small thing.

I always keep a lot of things like random notes, random diary, random exam papers because I want myself to remember those moments. Those moments- that haunt me back for years. Those moments- that paralysed my limbs for years from moving on. Last time I recheck my position,  I was still there, begging to be forgiven by myself.

Maybe it’s time to move on and let go of feelings that bring me nowhere. Lets get things done over here.

almost over,

I just cant believe how fast time flies. Another three weeks insyaAllah, and my matric life is finally over. Seriously, it doesn’t feel like 10 months flew by. It still feel like yesterday I met these people and soon I’m going to leave them.

Matric life is hard. To be honest that’s what I feel. One giga hard. But then again, what guarantee you that your path to seek knowledge would be smooth and no challenges at all kan? But because of these people; my roommates, bilik depan, ntpians, classmates and each of random people i meet everyday, I feel love.Thank you to each of you for being so patience with me, teach me a lot of things, guide me to be a better person, and show me the light; the light to go home.

How I wish time ticking very slowly right now so that I can appreciate each of them more. I’m going to miss this so much. Ya Allah, thank you for giving me opportunities to experience this. Time and moment is infinite. I hope it stay in my heart forever.

I’m gonna miss everything.
I’m gonna miss you.


I kept hearing people said that I’ve changed. Frankly speaking, I don’t know. I don’t know in which side actually I’ve changed. I guess maybe the way I dress up these days, maybe the way I speak these days, maybe. I don’t know.

But then, changing is an inevitable process. You can’t help but to make a few changes in your life. People says, environment mould you- and that’s what happened to me. Alhamdulillah I learnt a lot during these 7 months in KMM. I realize that I’ve been showered by His infinite blessing. I’m learning to accept my fitrah. I’m learning to accept myself.

And that’s it. People might not know you. And yes, people who know you the least usually judge you the most. This is what I loved, I tend to since forever. To judge me that I’m going down just because I show my true self is unfair tbh because it took blood and tears for me to be able to get up back after I fall so hard. It was a very tough process for me to learn about myself and be used with her and love her.

But thank you and thank you for your endless advices, I truly appreciate it because I’m human too, and I might go astray too. I’ve been very hard with myself these 5 years and I still don’t understand much about her. Thank you to point out the flawless and help me to shine my akhlak more.

Innama a’malu bin niat. O Allah, help me to always purify my intention. This is all for You, and for You only.


2216, 160214.

but if i stop,

But if I stop being so afraid with myself, I’ll become too comfortable with myself. And it’s more difficult to open up with myself. I hate myself. That’s the truth. I hate the beast that living inside me. I hate everything’s that I fall in love with. I hate it so much that I can’t stop love ‘em.

It’s so hard to tell myself that this is not the best and I should stop loving these but myself- never hear. It’s ain’t the best. Because it’s all temporary and will be gone by time. Do you understand me? It will eventually destroy. It will eventually vanished by time. But it is so hard tell myself to let go of things and move on.

Oh God it hard so much it hurts. Two love that will never become one. And I’m trapped in the middle don’t know what to do anymore.

Oh Allah, have bless on me. Save me from myself.


Religion is between you and God and that is all

i want to break the wall that society has been built and surround me but im too afraid to face them. I want to feel free and be whole in front of God, and people.


I always always feel like people dont want to talk to me or annoyed by me and i see signs of annoyance in almost everything it is driving me insane and i also always ask people if theyre annoyed by me and i think that too is annoying and when they say no i always feel like theyre just trying to not make me feel bad which makes me feel like a bigger annoyance but idk man trust issues much i probably am annoying and this too is annoying.

i feel you, i do feel the same tbh